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Dear Veronica, I have been married for 8 years and I have never had an orgasm. My husband and I have adventurous sex and I have even tried a vibrator, but I still can't seem to get there. Friends have tried to give me direction or hints but nothing has worked. What am I doing wrong? Any suggestions would be appreciated. Signed, Happily Married but Frustrated

 
Dear Happily Married but Frustrated,

Since you have tried a great many physical approaches to your problem to no avail, I recommend you approach the issue from a completely different angle: the mental and emotional aspects.

Our brains are the biggest sex organ we possess. Sometimes a part of us may be frightened or angry and the result can be that our body refuses to cooperate.

Please consider looking deeper for buried emotions and denied feelings. What were you taught to feel about sex as a child? Is it possible that sexually shaming messages from family, church or society in general is affecting your sexual response? Or could it be that you have unresolved conflicts in your marriage? Were there any instances where you thought it was just “too much trouble” to talk about a particular issue and so decided to “forget about it?”

Any time you decide to block an unpleasant emotion, it has the unfortunate side effect of partially numbing ALL of your emotions. Consequently, while you are expending energy trying to forget a past hurt and deny that you are angry, you are also numbing yourself to a certain amount of laughter, joy and even orgasms!

I recommend you put aside the technical and mechanical approaches to your sexual response – temporarily – and look within for your answers. The obstacle to your sexual satisfaction could be as traumatic as past sexual abuse or as mundane as an argument about who is suppose to take out the garbage. Barring any surgery or illness which could have damaged your nervous system and/or sexual organs; you are physically capable of orgasm. You simply need to find out why you haven’t been ready for it emotionally and invest your time and effort in healing that.

And remember, I am here to help. Feel free to email or call to schedule a telephone appointment.